Contact and living arrangements for children
When parents separate
You and your ex-partner need to decide how your child will spend time with each of you. Try not to let hurt feelings make things harder for your child. Their happiness and safety should come first.
Where to start?
A good place to start is Parenting Together. It has helpful ideas for parents, like:
- a Parenting Plan that you and your ex can work on together, even online
- information about Mediation and Child Contact Centres
- a free online course called Getting it Right for Children, which helps parents talk to each other
- other links and resources you can use
Most of the time, it is best for children to keep seeing both parents. Your child might feel upset or worried, so make sure to listen and talk with them about what they need. Parenting Together has advice on how to do this.
Don’t stop your child from seeing their other parent just to punish your ex-partner.
If there is a court order for your child
If a judge has already decided where your child lives or who they spend time with, and you are worried about your child's safety, you should talk to a lawyer.
Do we need to go to court?
Usually, you and your ex-partner both share the job of making big decisions for your child. This is called Parental Responsibility. A mother always has this unless a court says otherwise. A father has this if his name is on the birth certificate or if he was married to the mother when the child was born.
If you share Parental Responsibility, your ex-partner can find out about your child’s school or health. It is best if both parents are part of the child’s life, unless it is not safe.
If you stop your child from spending time with their other parent for reasons that are not about their safety, it can make your child sad or worried.
Most of the time, parents do not have to go to court to decide where a child lives or spends time. If you and your ex don’t agree, remember that you both have the same rights. If you are the main carer and there is no court order, you must keep your child safe. This means you might have to decide what is best.
If it is safe, it is usually better to agree with your ex-partner instead of going to court. Agreements made together often work better and last longer than those made in court.
Getting help
If you and your ex-partner can’t agree, there are ways you can get help:
- Self Help - you can use the Parenting Plan or the Advicenow survival guide. Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service, also has resources for families.
- Family mediation - a trained mediator helps you both agree about things like where your child lives or spends time, payment for your child, or money and property. You can learn more in What is Family Mediation and find out if you can get help with the cost.
- Legal advice - Family lawyers can help. Most of the time, going to court should be the last choice. Agreements made together usually work better. You can learn more from Resolution or get free help from Coram Children’s Legal Centre. There is no Legal Aid for family law advice from a solicitor.
If you do have to go to court, try other ways first, like seeing a family mediator. Court orders don't always solve the main problems. Any parent can ask the court for help, but you can't make a parent spend time with a child if they don't want to.
If your child or anyone else is in danger, you might need to go to court quickly.
You can find out more about family courts at Courts and Tribunals or use the Court Finder to find your closest family court.
When to contact Children's Services
Contact the Single Point of Advice if:
- your family is already getting help from Early Help or social care
- you are worried about your child’s safety, and you can't keep them safe
- you need support or advice
Also see safety concerns:
If you are worried your child is not safe with your ex-partner